Valentine’s Day is early to call a contest closed, but will 2014 possibly offer a dopier movie than Winter’s Tale? With its time-traveling hero, white flying horse, and philosophical bromides (“Can’t you see that everything is connected by the light?”), this movie is like enduring a weekend at a quasi-religious education camp where everyone smiles as vapidly as our doomed, brave heroine.
Winter’s Tale opens with two late-19th-century immigrants being turned away at Ellis Island and casting adrift their infant son in U.S. waters. (Doesn’t seem credible? It’s magical realism, baby. Just go with it.) The kid floats to shore and grows up to be adorable rascal Peter Lake (Colin Farrell), who adopts the winged white horse while outrunning the vengeance of Pearly Soames (Russell Crowe, still in Les Miz mode).